Dilemmas – March 2019

I’ve written on several occasions about things that aren’t so convenient or splendid about travelling; the mosquito bites, dengue fever and more recently, coming home and feeling out of place.

But there’s one that’s reared it’s head a few times that I think needs to be addressed as it’s another one that no one really talks about. And it’s something that has happened to me now a couple of times.

It’s relationships.

I’ve been caught now several times in a situation with someone I’ve had a really intense connection with. It’s great for the first few weeks or so. It’s light and fun and it seems like us being separated will come and be fine. We can just enjoy our time together for what it is, and let it be just that; temporary.

But of course, this is never the case.

As times goes on, feelings get stronger and connections seem to form to an intensity that cannot be ignored; there’s something here. And it’s called love.

It sneaks up on us. One minute it’s giggling in the cafe about a weird story that happened overseas. Then the eyes meet and that’s it. Bam. It’s inescapable and it’s there. And there’s no getting out of it without tears getting involved.

It seems that being a traveller means that you can’t enter a relationship without a time limit on it.

And it sucks. It really sucks.

In one mind, it means that nothing is permanent and I can throw caution to the wind. Fall in love, experience all the glittery honeymoon phase and then run off into the sunset.

But then it starts to get to a point where that becomes tiring. When one has to ask how long that can be sustainable. How many sunsets can I run off into before I fall off the edge of the earth? (Ask a flat-earther that question – they’ll know)

What happens when I actually meet someone who I want to spend a lot of time with? But also want to feed my soul and passion by exploring new worlds? Where does one draw the line between personal happiness in a career and lifestyle against a chance on love? And then there’s the more dominant question there too; will they be worth it if we choose to stay put?

We, of course, never know. It’s part of the risk we take either way. To stay put in one place, put a lifestyle on hold to explore a new person’s universe and grow into them, or to continue the personal adventure of travelling and grow into ourselves.

As most of you know, when I left last April I was seeing someone and I still chose to leave. And for a long time whilst being away, the question of “what if?” played on my mind most days. What if I stayed? What if he was it for me? That relationship has now turned to something incredibly sour with a very slim chance of it ever being even a friendship again.

So now I find myself in another situation with these questions. What would my life look like if I just stayed in this city with this person? But of course, there’s no growth in that. Or there is, but maybe just not the growth I crave.

In the wise words of Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and The City;

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with.”

I don’t know yet where next is. I’ll be heading on a road trip next weekend, then a festival over Easter. And after that, who knows. I just know that I want to keep travelling, learning and growing.

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